The Time Traveling Tortoise
A long time ago when a tortoise was 36 years old there was a huge fat bullheaded bully whose
name was Sledge-Sword-Stabber-Hammer.
Whenever the tortoise saw S.S.S.H. he knew that the bully would make him unclog his toilet that
grows mold every single time you try to clean it. But sometimes when the tortoise saw S.S.S.H, S.S.
S.H miffed in an extremely loud, deep, and scary voice "Tortoise clean my toilet and unclog my toilet
or if you don't I'll dip your head inside my toilet!"
But the tortoise just roared back "No I will not, no matter what you me do I will not do it. I'm brave
enough to do that."
Then S.S.S.H got so mad, he ran to his house and got some ketchup out of the refrigerator. No, not
only some ketchup -- the whole bottle of ketchup! He opened up the cap and poured it all over his
body. Then he got out of his house, ran all over the town pretending that somebody threw a bomb at
him. But the worst thing that happened was that the bully was saying that it was the tortoise that
threw the bomb at him!
The tortoise got so mad that it looked like the top of his head blew off and exploded poisonous
gases, magma, and rocks. When the tortoise stopped acting like a volcano he saw that all the
animals were staring at the tortoise as if they were extremely frightened of him.
He fumed out at all the animals, ”DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!- I did not throw that bomb at him! It's all a
lie! All that the bully is trying to do is get me in jail, because all he did was that he poured ketchup all
over his body to look like he got hurt, and blame somebody, that whoever he is trying to blame get
that person in trouble. So he is doing that to me because he wants me to unclog his dirty old toilet
and I don't want to, and I'm not a plumber, so there."
But the animals looked at the tortoise as if they were even more scared of him then they were
before. Oh I forgot! S.S.S.H was a crow. I know the name S.S.S.H is a little bit to brave and strong
for the crow. But he really is brave and strong. Now on with the story!
One animal was in a store called Happy Stop. Under the sign that said Happy Stop there was a
sentence that indicated the only miniature café and snack shop that has all the food in the world. But
the man inside the store was scared too. So then he dialed 911 to talk to the police. The police
drove with their all terrain semi police vehicle to the place where the tortoise was yelling at all the
animals. Back in the food store the animal said in a sort of Texas and western cowboy voice “now
that will teach mean old tortoise some lessons.” Back outside the tortoise was 200,000 times more
furious than before. He acted like 40,000 atomic bombs and 860,000 extremely dangerous
volcanoes of Vesuvius erupting and exploding all over him. He yelled at the top of his lungs “I DO
NOT WANT TO GO TO JAIL!!!!!!!!" Animals 20 miles away could hear his loud screaming from the
At the town where the tortoise yelled some of the animals eardrums blew up because it was so
loud! Some animals got shovels, dug a hole of 4 feet into the soil, stuck their heads into the hole in
the ground, dug the soil back into the ground where the holes were and with the animal's heads in all
in the holes to keep their from eardrums from blowing up. Finally all the yelling stopped. The
animals were totally exhausted. The police had their heads in the holes in the dirt too. They pushed
themselves out with their hands. They couldn’t take it any longer. They got their super-duty
handcuffs, put them on the tortoise, and dragged him to their all terrain semi truck police vehicle.
The tortoise mourned “Nobody likes nice old tortoise anymore,” hanging his head in shame. “No not
any more,” retorted the police. The tortoise thundered, “S.S.S.H is a major pain in the behind!”
“Hold on there tortoise!” barked the police. “Did you just say S.S.S.H?” The tortoise was in furious
land. He never heard a word of what the police were saying! The police said the same thing again,
"tortoise did you just say S.S.S.H.!?" The tortoise finally heard the police talking to him. He
acknowledged, “Yes I did, why do you police want to know?” The police said because he was a
prisoner that escaped from jail. “Oh really?” said the tortoise. The police said to the tortoise
something else about S.S.S.H about what he did a couple years ago that was bad. The police told
the tortoise that he was the same way as he was the very same day the tortoise was innocent,
making people unclog his dirty toilet.
Then the police said “come on tortoise, wanna come help us find S.S.S.H and arrest him? We’re
very sorry we thought you were the one who was guilty.” The tortoise said “no problem.” He started
doing a mad scientist laugh; his veins almost looked like they were popping out of his skin.
The police said “Ok tortoise, settle down a bit.” The tortoise said “sorry officers just a little
overexcited overreaction.” The police just said “Don’t worry.” “Ok” said the tortoise.
The officers said to the tortoise, “Come on tortoise let’s go find S.S.S.H.” “Ok” responded the
tortoise. So the gang went on to look for S.S.S.H.
The police found S.S.S.H at his home in front of the tortoise’s house. The police knocked on Sledge-
Sword-Stabber-Hammer’s house. The bully was in his living room praying to GOD that the police
didn’t find out the prank he pulled on the tortoise, so he quietly said “Who's there?” The police
reassured in a disguised voice, “we’re on you’re side because you pulled a prank on that measly old
tortoise of yours. By the way this club helps you pull many other tricks on animals you hate S.S.S.H" “I’
d be OVER EXCITED to join you’re club” replied S.S.S.H. The tortoise was delighted to hear that S.
S.S.H. would join the club. But first the tortoise asked the police to go outside for a while and be
back in an instant, “well not an instant, a little bit like five or ten minutes.”
The tortoise was found by some other animals living nearby. Now I mean it the animals were
SCARED TO DEATH! So then almost all the animals went in their homes, “but they did not know
that S.S.S.H was the suspect, - and the animals thought that the tortoise was the suspect, not
S.S.S.H. So then one shy, worried, and always full of “Well- Again worries.” So that scared and shy
animal got the phone and instead of calling the police “because they weren’t responsible”, he called
the navy to get the tortoise in trouble. Well actually the scared and shy animal totally screamed into
the phone with all his might, in total fear and-horror. The tortoise heard the loud noise from outside.
He went to the police as fast he could to the home where S.S.S.H lived. The tortoise started to calm
“What’s wrong?” asked the police. The tortoise croaked “somebody does not know that S.S.S.H is
the suspect we should tell every animal in this town, no not town, city no not city, state that I’m not the
criminal- S.S.S.H." “You’re right”, sympathized the police. “Hey Tortoise go hide somewhere safe,
and we’ll go to the news station and tell everyone that you are not the criminal.” The tortoise
seriously commanded, “I hear you loud and clear!” So then- the police totally forgot that they needed
to arrest S.S.S.H, so they went to his home and S.S.S.H slowly started opening the door and when
he opened the door all the way, in a flash the police said “Put your hands up, you are under arrest for
telling a unexpectedly huge lie and for cheating!” The tortoise could not believe how the tortoise got
him into big trouble. Happy to see us again?” stated firmly the police. S.S.S.H yelled in anger
amazement, “How does the tortoise know that he is not the criminal! The police retorted “We don’t
care what you say, all what we want you to do is to put your hand’s up!”
The tortoise that was hiding, bust out a bomb of laughter, but then the Navy came. S.S.S.H already
had handcuffs on so he wouldn’t escape.
The tortoise found an even safer place to hide; a secret passage in the backyard of sledge Sword
Stabber Hammer’s house covered in grass stuck to super glue, so animals would not find out that
there was a secret passage in the bully’s backyard. S.S.S.H didn’t know the secret passage was
there in his backyard either. The tortoise found the secret passage by walking quickly in the bully’s
backyard from the navy and felt a hard metal thing had bump the tortoise’s front right foot. But it didn’
t really hurt him, he just wondered what bumped his foot. So he laid down on his knees and rubbed
his hand on the ground until he felt something hard like metal and let his hand feel it. A moment later
he did feel something hard touch his hand. It had a rectangular hole like a handle covered in grass.
So he pulled on the handle as if it were a door facing the sky. He could not believe what he saw! It
was like a strip of the comic Frankenstein with Dr. Frankenstein’s science lab. That is just what the
tortoise saw but not an evil science lab, a Vanishing “future lab” lab. The tortoise found lots of liquids
and potions. It had a sign that was written “Vanishing future lab.”
The tortoise saw lots of potions. One of those potions was named after the labs name. So he
wondered if he drank one of those potions he would vanish into the future way ahead of the time the
tortoise lived in. It was something like that, but there were one or two things the tortoise didn’t find
around the vanishing future lab. Unfortunately he did find the things he was looking for. They were in
one isle of potions that had a sign written “fly into the future through clouds and vanish so you can
hide from something that will affect your life.” These potions go with the vanishing future lab. So he
got two potions from the aisle and two potions named after the lab, the extra potion were just in case
he lost the first potion.
I also never mentioned that the sign announced that the potions also let you wish when to fly, when to
land safely back down on the ground on your feet, and the potion lets you go as fast as you can.
The tortoise quietly started up the stairs of the science lab and went outside. Poor tortoise was so
frightened when he got outside because the navy stared at the tortoise as if they were going to
attack the tortoise immediately. So the tortoise quickly drank one of the potions and wished he
would start flying.
The potion lifted the tortoise up to the sky. The tortoise wished he could fly as fast as the X-15
rocket plane which goes as fast as 4,513 miles per hour. Finally, the tortoise wished which year he
would travel into which was 2398, the year The Time Traveling Bald eagle lives in.
Quickly, the tortoise was sent zooming to the closest cloud the potion could find. When the tortoise
flew through the cloud, he was amazed at what he saw. He saw animals flying rockets, little kid
animals were flying jetpacks instead of bikes, -- wait just a second, the tortoise wasn’t on earth -- he
was in space! Also he saw space hotels that look like –well, a regular hotel, but with a floating pool.
There was a cement tub that was three feet deep and went down to twelve feet deep. The tortoise
didn’t mind the pool, he mostly wanted to take a rest.
When the tortoise flew to the hotel, the bellhop told the tortoise that there was no payment to sleep at
the hotel at all. The tortoise was relieved to here that he didn’t have to pay at all because he didn’t
have any money with him.
The next day, the tortoise got out of his hotel room and got dressed up to stroll down the (gravified)
sidewalk. When the tortoise strolled down the sidewalk, he found someone familiar. It looked a lot
like S.S.S.H. Actually it was Sledge-Sword-Stabber-Hammer! S.S.S.H also recognized the
tortoise. The bellhop came outside to see what all the jabbering was about. The bellhop (whose
name was “Poodle Doodle”) asked what was going on. S.S.S.H grabbed Poodle Doodle by the
collar of his shirt and yelled "DO YOU SEE THIS CRIMMINAL STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME?”
Poodle Doodle scratched his head like a curious monkey. S.S.S.H was surprised to hear that he
did not know who the “tortoise” was. "LOOK AGAIN YOU NINCOMPOOP! THIS IS THE AWFUL
TORTOISE WHO THREW A BOMB AT ME!" Poodle Doodle was petrified.
S.S.S.H grabbed the tortoise by his neck and said “I got you this time because the “other” police are
already dead. The tortoise needed to prove that he wasn’t the criminal all over again to the police-
not just the police, the animals that lived in that town, and the navy. Right away Poodle Doodle woke
up from his petrified sleep and marched over to the tortoise, grabbed him by his legs and dragged
him to the nearest navy station with S.S.S.H grabbing the tortoise’s hands right behind Poodle
Doodle. The tortoise tried his hardest to escape, but it was no use. Every animal in that town saw
the tortoise. They were so curious and scared to see him because they thought he was dead, also
because he threw bombs at animals.
Suddenly the tortoise remembered his potion he drank that made him fly into a different year at any
time. So the tortoise wished he could fly into another year were animals could forget about him. He
lifted himself from the ground. S.S.S.H and Poodle Doodle wondered what was happening.
Tortoise was flying so high from the ground. The other two were so afraid of heights that they let go
of tortoise so they wouldn’t fly any higher.
When S.S.S.H and Poodle Doodle landed on the ground, the tortoise zoomed off like a rocket. They
were so flabbergasted and fumed at the tortoise for two reasons 1): they were over amazed and
over curious how tortoise zoomed through the sky. 2) they were so mad tortoise got away. Tortoise
wanted to go in the year month and date 1-1-4000 which is New Year's day.
When the tortoise went to the first day of the year 4000, the tortoise looked everywhere for Poodle
Doodle and S.S.S.H. day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. The
tortoise saw nothing but robot animals, cars that go 800 miles an hour and tons of animals except
Poodle Doodle or S.S.S.H.
The tortoise thought that S.S.S.H and P.D were long gone and never to be seen again. Tortoise was
right. Now tortoise could a happy life without anybody bothering him, bossing him around and hating
*Josh Salm got the idea of writing this story from a movie called
“Back to the Future”, but he changed everything except something
traveling to the future. "It’s not a retelling of the story. It’s way
different than the movie."